Feels

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All of the things I want to share have no actual meaning. I can’t even find words to describe how I am feeling.

I guess I feel sad, defeated, and just tired all the time. I don’t seek sympathy. But I do wish I and a few more people understood how it is. I am slowly accepting about the things being broken. And probably for the first time I am not trying to fix it.

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What is your favourite place? (Promise I’ll keep it a secret)

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A lighthouse. Waves crashing. Bright beautiful day.

This is a good place that gives me sense of pure joy. I have never been to this place, may be that is why I find myself wandering away here and calm myself.

But that is not the only place. I have many places, each so diverse. Complete opposite to the one before.

I was asked about my favourite place. I drew blank. I am not sure what or where my favourite place. It’s not because I lack the names of places that bring a smile on my stupid face. There are way too many that brings me peace.

I think I am looking for tranquility. I get pretty close to attaining it when I am by myself and am having some random thought and let out a chuckle.  That is when I realized that, I found what I have been looking for.

All this time I was looking for a place to call my own, where I could just be. I never realized that I am it. When I’m in my head space and having a talk or an argument with myself but there is not a sound around –  that is my beautiful place. That is my favourite place.

I’m not being condescending, I don’t just hang-out with only myself in there, I hang-out with people I wish were my friends, people who inspire me, people who make me look at things in a different light.

I like that place because everyone in there pushes me to be the best I can be. In reality, I lack courage to even speak my mind out loud without feeling like I will hurt someone with the words I may tell. But that does not mean people don’t find me to be bold. They find me to be so because of my loud voice.

A lighthouse. Waves crashing. Bright beautiful day.

This is my second favourite.

By the looks of it 

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Conscious choice to ignore the people who “mean the most” in your life, is astounding. 

You wait for me to break silence first. 

I wait for you to make things right again. 

We miss each other or no, is not really sure. 

Let me tell you if you don’t know,

I never freeze anyone out. 

But you have done it before. 

How does that make me feel any better? 

I have broken the barrier before and put forth my words and action. 

When I say this I don’t mean you have not.

You can say you were giving me my “space”. 

And that is okay. 

Call it ego. 

Call it attitude. 

Call it anything you like.

This time, I’m not coming back.

And I realise, nor will you. 

Before we part, I’d like you to know.

I’m glad we met. 

But our stubbornness still shows. 

I hoped I was a better person than this. 

But sadly we both know that is not it. 

Hairy Tales

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I have strands of hair, like most. 
It’s not like I have world’s healthiest hair or softest or longest or…. well you get the gist. When compared to my family, even extended one, I have a few good strands.  *knocks on wood* 
But for my family & I do mean extended family included, it’s the best yet, excluding their kids i.e. cousins.  
 
One day I got a haircut, not much, just a little trim. I was treated like I had murdered someone and I was hiding the body in the backyard. There was so much drama, it would put any Indian serials to shame. This was 8 years ago. Even to this day, im treated like a thief who was caught, red-handed. 
 
I will be brushing my hair or any other non-related things (does not matter anymore), any random person starts off saying:
“You had good hair, why did you have to go cut your hair?”
“Your hairline is thinning, it’s all because you got that haircut”
“Your brother is failing his classes, he must have been distracted because of your haircut”
“You are turning into an alcoholic, because of that damned haircut.”
 
I mean the last one is not true, but im sure if I did consume any quantity of alcohol, that would be the go to line. But anything bad happens in my life, it’s all because of that haircut. My mom gets so upset sometimes when she looks at my hair, its unreasonable. 
 
Oh, the best part is, im not allowed to visit a hairdresser anymore. Mom’s orders *more like family’s order*.
 
I’m sorry mom and family, I did not realise it was like a family ‘hair-loom’ *wink*. Thank god; you clarified, or I’d be selling my hair off to random strangers for some booze. 
 
Or worse, treat it with disrespect.

Self-Doubt

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I wonder if I will ever find my muse.
Working with so much passion to reach a place, very few have reached.
I don’t know why it is so hard for me to accept that I am average and mediocre.
I am always picturing myself to be splendid at all things i’d do.
I get so bored so easily.
People intimidate me so frequently.
I shake myself up out of fear.
I want to find what i am good at and just make things more interesting.
I want to find my calling, my love, my passion, my 1 thing.
But I can’t.
I feel struck.
I feel so angry.
I feel useless.
I feel so miniscule.
And I weigh 96 kgs.

Words

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I fall in love with the words,
But I believe in action.

Words are mesmerizing.

You can’t help but romanticizing the words you read. Words are a powerful weapon. It gives you all kinds of hope. Words give you emotions… You never wanted to feel or even thought was possible to acknowledge.

Be aware of the risks it can cause. Because just words, without anything to back it up is sweet and all, but are another version of empty promises. Don’t break your own heart by believing someone’s enchanting words. They are just good wordsmith and that is all.

Even though, you know this, you can’t help but fall in love with the beautiful string of words that rings like the sweetest melody you have heard in a while.

It’s a design flaw that will give you heartaches and tears.

 

Storms

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I have my own storms
I’m tired
I want to give up
Desperately holding on
To see the sunshine
That may bring a better life

Keeping my head above the water
With anchors tied to my feet
It’s said that all of those are in my head
Why do they seem so real to me?

This is not a desperate need for attention
This is an echo for rescue
We all have this hell within us
Just different demons
To each their storm is the darkest

Even with this turbulence
I smile the brightest smile
To make someone’s day better
Hoping that, soon that someone will be me